Things I Can No Longer Do

An Incomplete List of Things I Can No Longer Do Because The Thought Of Them Makes Me Giggle For Longer Than Thirty Seconds

  1. When answering calls from collections agencies and telemarketers I can no longer pretend that they’ve called an active crime scene.
  2. When answering calls from collections agencies and telemarketers I can no longer breathe heavily and ask them what they’re wearing.
  3. When dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses I can no longer invite them in for coffee and then ask which of them is going to go to bed with me in return.
  4. I am not allowed to drink a shit tonne of red food coloring before a urine test, and then scream during the test.
  5. I am not allowed to drink a shit tonne of green food coloring before a urine test, and then scream during the test.
  6. When getting a prostate exam I am not allowed to moan another doctor’s name.
  7. When getting a prostate exam I am no longer allowed to scream RAPE.
  8. When getting a prostate exam I am no longer allowed to pretend I have Fudd Syndrome and scweam WAPE.
  9. When getting a prostate exam I am no longer allowed to fake an orgasm.
  10. I am not allowed to adopt “SUFFICIENT!” as my climax call.
  11. When apologizing for calling someone a mad cow I am not allowed to only retract the word Mad.
  12. I may not, upon entering a room or a house for the first time, scream “WHERE’S YOUR SHITTER?!!!!!” at the top of my lungs and announce that “I’VE GOT A TURTLE’S HEAD PEEKING OUT!”
  13. I am no longer allowed to have the following as my voicemail message: “Hi, I can’t answer the phone right now ’cause I’m watching this movie and its just starting to get good and FUCK ME SHE’S TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF! Leave a message!”
  14. I am no longer allowed to have the Nurse sketch from Peter Cook and Dudley Moore as my voicemail message.
  15. I am no longer allowed to have The Duck Job as my voicemail message.
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